When you are looking for support to help your child with social skills, what exactly do you think they need?
The reality is that “social skills” can encompass a lot.
Here are a few things that may come up when you think about social skills:
- Initiating interaction with peers
- Making and keeping friends
- Understanding personal space
- Taking turns with toys and when playing games
- Sharing materials
- Knowing how to initiate play with another child
- Compromising and negotiating
- Resolving conflict when there is disagreement
- Understanding how to apologize with sincerity
- Taking responsibility for hurting someone or their things, even if it wasn’t intentional
- Understanding tone of voice
- Understanding body language
- Being a good sport (winner or loser)
- Interrupting
- Disagreeing politely/respectfully
- Respecting the opinions of others
- Working with others on a shared goal
- Active listening
- Playing fairly
- Staying with the group
- Making eye contact
- Staying on one conversational topic too long
- Being kind/using kind language
- Controlling their body energy
- Controlling their emotions in group situations
How are your social skills?
I like to encourage adults to reflect and consider how they do with their own social skills. Are you a “keyboard warrior” who makes unkind comments or trolls others on social media? Or do you use disrespectful phrases like, “Okay, Boomer” when addressing older adults? One scroll through social media and you’ll find that many adults have a long way to go to use better social skills!
What are your expectations?
First I think it’s important to reflect on our own expectations before we assign a social skills problem to a child. And sometimes our expectations are high for children, or clouded by the things that we value or have experienced ourselves. For instance, say your child loves Pokemon and talks about little else. He has a playdate with a child down the street who has no interest in Pokemon. Is the problem with your child because it’s the only thing he’ll talk about on a playdate? In some therapy circles this “restricted interest” may be viewed as a problem, but it may just mean that these children aren’t a good fit as friends and he may have yet to meet his tribe of other Pokemon lovers. We don’t all get along with everyone or want to spend time with everyone, especially if our interests and values don’t align, regardless of whether we have a “restricted interest.”
Or maybe you grew up with a large circle of friends so it is your expectation that your child have many friends as well, but your child has one really close friend. If your child is happy with that and gets along well with them does she really need a large number of friends too?
The burden of change should not always be on the child with the perceived issue. Besides adults adjusting their expectations, sometimes the solution lies with other children and adults learning to be more accepting of differences.
What social skills are priorities?
So, where should you focus your energies when seeking support for social skills for your school-age child? I could write a separate blog post for each of the things on that list, but some of them aren’t important in all settings or even life skills, particularly if we want to respect that not all brains are wired the same (making eye contact, staying on one conversational topic too long, controlling body energy when it is “stimming”, for example). In addition, addressing some of these things may not be respectful to the neurodiverse child. (I encourage you to read this excellent blog post for more information about that.)
However, some societal expectations for some social interactions may be important to address. The ability to have positive interactions can affect success in all areas of life. Humans are wired to connect with other humans, so we can’t ignore the need to get along with others.
What social skills do we focus on?
In Apex OT’s self-regulation groups we address several of the areas that affect everyday interactions with others, primarily focused on avoiding or resolving conflicts. We have explicit instruction with real-world practice with other children.
How to apologize. If you make a mistake that negatively affects someone else, even if accidental, how can you make it right? “I’m sorry” alone often isn’t enough to make someone feel better.
How and when to share. When is sharing an important skill? Do you have to share things that belong to you? Are there benefits to doing that? What about toys or materials that are available for everyone?
How to compromise. During a group activity how can everyone have a voice in the decision making process?
How to share expectations. It’s important for everyone to have the same expectations about an experience. Before playing a game do you play by the rules that came with the game? Do you want to change a rule? Make sure you are both okay with that before you start.
How to Respect Personal Space. When is it okay to lean on other people or touch them? This is one area that I take very seriously. Body autonomy and personal space is tied to one’s feelings of safety, so this is a skill we work on throughout the group when it’s needed.
These are just a few of the skills we explicitly address in the self-regulation play groups. Children won’t be doing all of the work! I model how to handle these situations when I make a mistake and manage my expectations. These are life skills, and the responsibility of adults and children.
Does your child need support in these areas? Register your child for on of our therapy groups.