When you have a child with anxiety it can be very difficult to know when you should push them to work through that anxiety and when to shelter them from things that make them anxious. If you have a highly anxious child chances are that your anxiety is also ramped up when your child is worried about something. Here are some guidelines to help you know when to push and when to protect.
(And by “push” I do not mean carrying them dragging and screaming! This is when you should talk them through it, work with a therapist if needed to help prepare them, use stories to help them know what to expect or how to deal with situations that may come up, etc. I will use the word “push” to keep things simple, but please do not equate that with using force on a child.)
- Does your child feel safe?
School is one of the most challenging areas to find the balance between pushing and protecting. If they are being bullied, or do not feel like they have the support of adults who are with them everyday, then they may not feel safe. It is important to explore this to make sure their anxiety is not a justified reaction to a situation.
If your child is having big reactions at school then they are probably in a fight or flight state due to their anxiety. They may feel like they can’t handle the challenging learning or social expectations. So you may be confident that they are safe from harm, but they are having an reaction out of proportion to the situation. This is when you can push them to work through their anxiety (though it is best done in collaboration with the school team and mental health therapists such as a counselor, social worker, or occupational therapist).
- Does your child make an indication that they are interested in the thing that makes them nervous?
This is usually the easiest situation where you can push rather than protect. I would discourage you from exploring the worst case scenario with them (“the worst that could happen is…”) Because it just brings that situation to mind and tends to make anxiety have more control. - How important is it really?
Sometimes it’s something you may feel is important, but it may not be a big deal in the grand scheme of things. For example, you may want your child to have a birthday party with 15 children from school, but if that much sensory stimulation and social pressure creates a lot of anxiety is it really necessary that they learn to deal with having a big party? Attending large parties aren’t required for participation in life. - Is it one anxiety that you can easily define, or are there a million factors to consider?
With this question I’m primarily thinking of anxiety about school. if it’s one teacher or one class that has them anxious then maybe they can learn some coping tools or get support for that subject or situation. However, school is often filled with a lot of anxiety because of many different reasons. For instance, social interactions and perceptions of what peers may think, challenges learning academics, sensory overload, possible bullying, teachers who may not understand your child and be a good fit, etc. may all be contributing to the issue. If you add the complications of changing bodies and hormones that come with moving into the teenage years, then middle school can be a particularly challenging time. While your child has to attend school of some sort, I have known children who homeschool for these years then return to high school much more confident.
However, please keep in mind that sheltering your child from their fears can also teach them that they are right to be worried. You may be inadvertently confirming their belief that they can’t handle it. If you have a child who is struggling during their middle school years despite having supports in place such as an IEP, 504 plan, or regular meetings with a counselor, then you may be helping your child more than hurting them to homeschool. But if there has not been an attempt to work through the issue first by collaborating with the school and teaching problem solving and coping skills, then removing them from school may not be in their best interest.
Keep in mind that it also does not have to be all or nothing…a modified day may be best as they learn skills to handle challenges.
Can YOU Handle It?
It is not easy to know when to push your child to work through their anxieties. Sometimes you have to consider your own bandwidth and what you can handle so you can best support your child. Don’t be discouraged if that happens. There may be times where you choose to protect rather than push. You may need to let them know that their avoidance of the challenge is only temporary while you figure out the best way to help them through it. Then you can revisit it when you have more energy.
Need help problem solving this for your child? Make a parent consultation appointment or sign your child up for our Address the Stress group (if you don’t see one scheduled, email us to let us know you’re interested: info@apexot.com)